Howdy mates. It's MLS night - and what a very special MLS night it is. It's Steven Gerrard versus Frank Lampard. Los Angeles Galaxy versus New York City FC. In fact, not since Biggie and Tupac left has there been this much hype over a West Coast - East Coast collision. I won't lie - people may get shot. Okay they definitely won't. But we're not far from Hollywood, the place where fiction normally takes priority over real life - and what a tale this is. Two aging legends of the Premier League collide in very different, yet very familiar circumstances. Hans Zimmerframe is on the soundtrack.

Remember that episode of Father Ted, with the over-75s five-a-side game? We could see a bit of that. Let's not beat around the bush. "Lampard can climb two flights of stairs unassisted. Gerrard needs only one nun to help him from the chair." However, we saw enough of these two in England's top flight last term to suggest there's life in the old dogs yet. And here's to hoping that the duo roll back the years with a couple of fine midfield performances.

Anywho, shall we crack on with some team news? Although these two are definitely the stars of the night, there's a stellar supporting cast behind them. Andrea Pirlo. David Villa. Robbie Keane. Giovanni Dos Santos. Not exactly extras, are they? Well, apart from Dos Santos, who never quite reached his potential in Europe - or he might still be there. Who knows. What we do know is that team news is imminent.

GALAXY XI:Ricketts; DLG, Gonzalez, Leonardo, Rogers; Zardes, Juninho, Gerrard, Lletget; Keane, Dos Santos

NEW YORK XI:Saunders; Hernandez, Facey, Iraola, Angelino; Jacobson, Diskerud, McNamara, Pirlo; Poku, Villa

NO LAMPARD! Unless Lamps is going by a pseudonym these days, it seems like he's not even in City's first XI - or their bench! Oh my goodness. According to Twitter - you know, that uber-reliable social media platform - Lampard is still struggling with injury! To say this puts a downer on the occasion would be an understatement. A massive one.. On the plus side - you might be able to pick up one of these bad boys for $15 now.

Gerrard v Lampard 'renewed' T-shirt for $29.99 @LAGalaxy @NYCFC @MLS pic.twitter.com/YNZopU6m2Q

— Henry Winter (@henrywinter) August 23, 2015

Shall we just head off? Of course not. Let's change the billing to Gerrard vs. Pirlo. Okay so they both didn't dominate English football at the same time, but they did play each other at least twice in club football - both in Champions League finals no less. We're stretching, aren't we? It's not the same, but let's hope for a cracking match nevertheless.

Being fair - Frank does look like a fella on the back of an hour-long bleep test here, so maybe there were signs.

Gerrard and Lampard ahead of their game against each other tonight. pic.twitter.com/X784qKJraQ — Anfield Hub (@AnfieldHub) August 23, 2015

Anywho, hand us a cloth as we - as in the English and US media, given the hype - wipe the egg of our face and focus on the positives, which is, hmm, kickoff is only 10 minutes away. In the words of Aladdin, let's forget about Lamps for the moment. Gerrard. Keane. Pirlo. Villa. Dos Santos. Plenty of star power.

See? There's something to salvage after all!

Gerrard vs Pirlo tonight. pic.twitter.com/gzJ91DNuRt — Steven Gerrard (@Gerrard8FanPage) August 23, 2015

It must be noted that MLS aren't renowned for their time keeping, and kickoff is seldom on time, so to add insult to injury we'll probably be delayed too. And it's Sunday. Good lord.

Yep, looks like we're in for a delay. I had plenty of Gerrard - Lampard stats to whet the appetite with, too. That's what I'm most disappointed about to be fair - not being able to use them.

I can confirm that the players are still warming up....

Here's Gerrard being put through his paces. We jest. We're sure he'll be excellent tonight - and hopefully he will be.

FYI: Kickoff has been pushed back to 20:20. There's a vision joke in here somewhere but we're all too disappointed to churn one out. Anywho, 10 minutes to go. Prediction?

PREDICTION! Let's go 3-1 Galaxy. They're the reigning MLS Cup champions as we know, and they're even more impressive since the addition of Stevie and Dos Santos. So, 3-1. Robbie Keane to score 1st goal.

Here come the boys! And not before time it has to be said.

It's go time. https://t.co/cbZulhUHwM #LAvNYC — LA Galaxy (@LAGalaxy) August 23, 2015

The California skyline is illuminated by fireworks during the national anthem. Seems a bit excessive.

And more fireworks at the end! Lamps would have loved this.

Here come the pre-match huddles and kickoff is moments away now. It'll be a good game this, despite the absence of he who we do not speak of. Let's go!

KICKOFF: And we're underway in California. The Galaxy, playing from left to right, kick us off.

Fairly tentative start so far, but City bossing the possession stakes in these very, very early stages.

SHOT! We've seen the first shot, and it's Andrew Jacobson, in an acre of space just outside the area, as he goals for goal but his effort is blocked by teammate Thomas McNamara.

CLOSE! Excellent block, as Villa looks to bend the ball around Ricketts but AJ De LaGarza throws his body in the way to deflect it wide, with the corner coming to nothing. We've not seen much of Gerrard yet.

Ten minutes in then and the visitors making Galaxy, MLS champions, look rather ordinary so far it has to be said. They've got all the possession, and have had the only shots by my count. The hosts look a little sluggish.

That's the closest Galaxy have come to scoring - a nothing cross that Saunders plucked out of the sky. That about sums up their early-match woes. City well on top but Galaxy defending really well so far.

SHOT! Excellent by Villa, who turns Omar Gonzalez on a sixpence before volleying at goal, but his effort lacked the direction to trouble Ricketts, who pushed it away.

Galaxy have their best attack, as Gerrard plays to Juninho, who threads a ball through to the jet-heeled Zardes who races around Facey, but he can't swing his cross in before the ball goes out of play.

CHANCE! Should be 1-0 to Galaxy. Simple as. It's Robbie Keane, who lurks on the edge of the box as Zardes runs down the line. The winger cuts back for Keane, who looks to pass it past Saunders but it deflects wide. Should've scored.

Mix Diskerud, who could surely fashion a career as a DJ if this football lark doesn't work out, fouls Zardes on the right wing, but the free kick is given the opposite way for some reason.

Galaxy haven't really built on that promising spell a few minutes ago and the pendulum of possession swings back in favour of City, who look in control now. Gerrard's been quiet - but then again he would be, considering he's playing in the Pirlo role.

Speak of the devil, Stevie swings in a wonderful cross but Iraola out-jumps Keane to clear the danger in time. Good defending.

OFF THE BAR! Galaxy come within inches of a one-goal lead as Keane smashes against the crossbar from close range after Saunders failed to catch Sebastian Lletget's corner under pressure from Gonzalez. The Irishman might've been better off going for precision than power then.

DISALLOWED GOAL! Galaxy take the lead, but it's ruled out for offside - and a right decision. DeLaGarza is the scorer, but he literally could not have been any more offside without being off the pitch. Shame, but it was excellent work from Lletget in the build-up.

If we've learned anything from this first half-an-hour it's that City can't defend for peanuts. Jose Mourinho and George Graham will have kicked holes in their television by now.

CHANCE! The hosts are in complete control now and they should be leading again, as Gio Dos Santos gallops through on goal but, on his weaker right foot, fires at goal and Saunders beats it away.

Ten minutes until the break then and we're still goalless. Somehow. Galaxy have dominated despite City's early spell, but they're yet to break the deadlock.

And there's the opener! Having kicked holes in their television sets already, fuming with City's defending, Mourinho and George Graham will have now thrown said television out of their window because it's such a soft goal. The visitors completely switch off after Villa concedes a free kick. Lletget takes it quickly, passing to Keane, who swings in a fine cross and Zardes simply heads past Saunders for the opener. What were the visitors thinking.

OFF THE LINE! Galaxy cut City open again as Dos Santos goes through one-on-one with Saunders, before pulling back for Keane, whose first-time effort lacks pace and Shay Facey has plenty of time in which to hoof it away off the line. They'll want a second before the break - and they can get one.

CHANCE! Brilliant defending. It's Jason Hernandez who throws his body in the line of fire as Dos Santos looks certain to tap home following dodgy defending from Saunders, but Hernandez deflects it over. Take a bow. This could be about 4-0. No exaggeration.

Gerrard free kick anyone? Galaxy have one just outside the box, and it takes a brave man to try wrestle this ball away from the Liverpool legend. Stay tuned.

Gerrard takes but it deflects off McNamara and out for a corner...

Well, it's only 1-0, courtesy of Zardes's header on 36 minutes - but it could be at least four! Galaxy have looked lightyears ahead of City overall. Pun intended.

Keane has hit the bar. DeLaGarza had a goal ruled out for offside. Dos Santos fluffed a great chance. The goal came about when Galaxy caught City with their pants down with a quick free kick. Keane crossed for unmarked Zardes, who headed home easily. 1-0, but Bruce Arena will be disappointed with that as we said. They've been completely in control.

And you know what? That first-half has onslaught has made us forget about Lampard's absence. Time is a great healer.

RESTART! And we're back underway folks. City, trailing 1-0, get us back underway. Let's go.

SHOT! We can't call this a chance, because it would've been one of the best goals in history had it gone in, but Villa, with his weaker left foot, volleys Iraola's cross well over the bar from a tight angle. Think Van Basten in Euro 88.

Good defending by Hernandez again, as he prevent an almost certain goal by blocking Lletget's goal-bound effort following Robbie Rogers's cut-back.

Hmm, there's not much tempo to this one anymore. It's all gone a bit quiet.

Far too easy but take nothing away from Keane, who races clear of City's back four to latch on to Dos Santos's through ball, before dinking over the out-rushing Saunders with aplomb. Fine finish, but more shoddy defending by the visitors.

Gerrard has looked a little lethargic throughout. His body language, coupled with the regular jogging, suggests that it's a pre-season friendly for him. He's barely broken sweat tonight.

Half-an-hour to go and New York City look relatively lifeless. It's only two goals but getting back into this game looks nigh-on impossible at the moment. There's just...nothing about them. It's been men against boys for 60 minutes basically.

CHANCE! Should be 3-0. Lletget plays in the overlapping left-back Rogers, who just has Saunders to beat from an angle, but his effort is blocked. Is there such thing as tracking the runner in the MLS? Evidently not.

Stick a fork in it. Keane, who was assisted by Dos Santos for the second, returns the favour by playing in the Mexican as he races clear of City's ridiculously high defensive line, before nonchalantly clipping over Saunders, who's been dinked twice in one game. One more and he'll need therapy.

This is getting a little ugly now and it's four for Galaxy. Gerrard gets on the end of Zardes's cut-back, before scuffing his effort toward goal. It might've been heading in, but Lletget makes sure by helping it on its way. There is a chasm between Galaxy and New York City FC, who need a defensive coach. Badly.

CHANCE! Oh lord how is it not five? Galaxy break in a four-on-three counter, with Lletget squaring across goal for the unmarked Keane, who takes a touch and curls over the bar somehow. That'll be his last contribution I think.

CITY SUB: Andrea Pirlo walks off the field to be replaced by Patrick Mullins. He's not to blame for this. Neither are the defenders. They haven't told what to do. You'd see better organisation in a five-a-side match. Kreis must take the lions share of responsibility for this rout. He's the coach. If they were winning 4-0 he'd get credit....

GALAXY SUB: Incidentally, Dan Gargan replaced AJ DeLaGarza a few minutes ago for Galaxy's first change of the night.

Now then. Is it game on again? No, no it's not, but a slight consolation for the visitors. It was sub Dan Gargan who conceded a really soft penalty, and Villa made him pay.

City's feel-good factor didn't last long, did it? It's five for Galaxy, as Lletget plays a clever back heel to release Rogers, who then slides a square ball across the face of goal for the Irishman to tap home. Simple as you like. It's like playing your grandmother on Pro Evolution this.

CLOSE! It's very nearly six as Dos Santos curls just wide of Saunders's post.

If the referee has a heart he'll blow this up as soon as it goes to 90 minutes. They've been well and truly tonked.

Well, that's all she wrote. Five-star LA Galaxy thump New York City with a performance that illustrated just how far City need to go in order to bridge the gap between themselves and the big boys. They were obliterated and it could've been about 8-1. Men against boys. Anywho, that's us. Thanks for joining our live text coverage and we'll see you next time.